Artisan Custom Resumes

Rules of Engagement/Requirements to work with me: 
Now, you might be thinking to yourself “Wait, she has rules and requirements when I’m going to be PAYING HER to do this work for me?” You bet your sweet bippy I do. 

First off, my company motto: 
My main company motto is this “The process with each client will be organic, yet structured.” I have worked with a very WIDE array of professionals including but not limited to: 

Alaska Float Plane Pilots • FCC Directors Sea Wrights/World-Famous Explorers • Jewelers • Fashion Industry Merchandisers • IT Gurus • Mechanical & Electrical Engineers • Marketing & Advertising Executives • Presidential Limo Communications Peeps • Strategic Marketing/Branding Powerhouses • Graphic Designers • Healthcare Industry Professionals • Restaurant GMs, Servers & Mixologists • Cooks Catering Company • Financial Services & Insurance Professionals • DJs • LCSW's & MFT's Retail Store Managers • University Professors • Famous Authors • Celebrities • Screenplay Directors • Kick-Ass Military men and women including basic Supply Sergeants up to Commanders and Captains • Hospitality & Hotel-Industry Management • Journalists • PR & Media Relations • Software Sales • UX Developers • Attorneys, Lawyers & Paralegals • Executive Assistants • Biologists & Physicists • Teachers & Librarians • Psychiatrists • Massage Therapists, Kinesiology & Nutrition Experts • C-Suite Executives • Bankers, Mortgage & Loan peeps

…you get the idea. 

Because of this, I provide as much “structure” as I can with the different steps involved, but my experience with YOU will be unique and organic, just as with all our past clients. 

Here are my important non-negotiables: 

Contacting me.
I'm all about effective time management and so I run a well-oiled machine. That being said, I can't have you getting panicky if you reach out to me and I can't get back to you right away...I will respond as quick as I can, scout's honor. 

I'm pretty open to when you can reach out to me, but I expect some common courtesy. For example, if you're on the east coast and decide to call me at 7:30 am your time, that's 4:30 am my time. I get up early, but not quite THAT early, and I certainly won't be coherent enough to talk job hunting. I also won’t really be happy when you’re texting me at 11:02 pm at night because “something” popped into your brain. (These things have happened more times than I would like to admit. Seriously people. Give a girl a break.) 

Do you have a sense of humor? I realize that if you’re looking for a job, chances are you’re going to be in an anxiety-ridden or (quite possibly) a catatonic state. I get that. That doesn’t mean that we can’t make our experience together HUMAN… I will do my best to lighten up the situation while still creating a remarkable product for you and teaching you about the current job market. I've been referred to as a cheerleader and “Giver of Hope”. 

So can you mark “check!” next to that sense of humor box? If not, move on. 

Along those lines…this is a straight up, “No Jerk Zone”. 

Just like we’ve all seen that sign that says “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone”. Ummm, yeah. Totally. While we will never go by the mantra “No shirts, no shoes, no service” (cuz heck, we don’t care if you’re answering our questions in your jammies and barefoot or not!) we will stick to the NO JERKS rule.

I refuse to be treated poorly… so if you’ve blown through 3 other resume companies and demanded refunds from each and every one of them before you’ve landed on this page? Move along. We aren’t going to be a good fit. 

I am not your mother. Nor do I want to be.  

Are you willing to put some work into this from your end or do you expect me to be psychic about what your career has entailed for the last 15 years PLUS you expect me to know what all your career hopes and dreams are? Ummm… I hate to break it to you, but sometimes my crystal ball is foggy so I give out homework (those intake packets I previously mentioned). Not the kind of homework your least favorite teacher gave you just to piss you off and ruin your weekend, but the kind that will involve questions about what you really DON’T want to do in your next job, and what the heck you were trying to say on your 3rd bullet point under your 2nd position you listed that reads out loud like someone has a mouth full of marbles and doesn’t make a lick of sense. (!!!) 

If you can’t get your act together to answer the 2nd intake packet I painstakingly sat to compile for you, then, well… that’s a shame. 

I will nudge you a couple of times like a good professional should, but after 60 days have gone by with no answers coming in and not so much as a peep out of you about why etc., you are officially forfeiting all of the funds you sent to my company. End of story.

Secrets. Skeletons. They’re in your closet. 

Are you willing to disclose All The Things to me when we begin our working relationship? Because if you don’t think it’s important for me to have all the facts and the ~big picture~, or you are scatterbrained or just plain lazy, I might have to curse your name while reading your email that says "Oh! These drafts you just sent are all great, but you're missing an entire section that I guess I forgot to give you. My bad."

This is a true story for a military resume I poured over TWENTY HOURS into. I still can’t believe it happened and if it happens again?  It will make me want to stick you in the Bad Jobseeker Corner and send you an additional invoice as punishment.

So be transparent. Be forthcoming. I don’t necessarily need to know that your guinea pig’s name is Dynamo (although I love pets! Go Dynamo!) BUT I do want to know what’s going on with your current job, and WHY I'm doing this for you. What’s the end goal? Etc. Tell me that stuff. 

Oh, and tell me things like the fact that you’re a felon. 

You know, important crap like that which I will keep in the Artisan Vault in accordance to my strict confidentiality clause. Why would you need to tell me something like that? Because I can most likely give you advice on what jobs you should and shouldn't waste your time applying for... I have all that good "insider's knowledge" on junk like that and I love to share. 

Are you “teachable”? Or do you suffer from “Know-it-all-Itis”? Can you be taught? Are you willing to take instruction and advice and embrace the latest resume and hiring trends that I will share with you? Or are you going to come back at me after I submit your beautiful, cutting edge document drafts and instruct me to basically put it back the way you gave it to me in the first place?

Newsflash! If you are used to running the show at work (whether it be directing a team of 70 Marketing Department Reps or yelling at Marines at Camp Pendleton) and you insist on arguing with me about how an Objective still needs to be on the top, and your references, along with all their very private information, should still be listed on the bottom, you will be wasting your money! Writing resumes is NOT what YOU DO for a living; it’s what I DO for a living. I promise not to show up at your work and tell you how to do your job if you promise to be open minded, release some control, and trust us AND the process. 

If all these things sound perfectly reasonable to you, then look at the Fees tab next, and then contact me so we can get your New Job Party started! 


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